whatever

[whatever]

Go to used book stores even if you don’t plan on buying any. Find titles or colors that interest you, look for writing or folded pages in the books and see what the person who read it last loved most. Sit on the floor and take in your surroundings. Appreciate the stacks of miscellaneous books on shelves and flip through the pages of the really old ones. Look at the people who come and go and wonder what kind of book they’re looking for.

Used book stores are one of few places where I feel like time freezes.

[whatever]

And when I saw her, it was like suddenly the tips of her hair were the rays of sun in the sky, and her dark brown eyes surrounded the stars. My heart beat only to give her music and my lungs breathed only to give her air. Suddenly she was everything and I was astounded and everything felt right.

to look at her is to see the sun and the moon collide

[whatever]

I placed my heart and my happiness and everything I have left in the palm of your hand like a pebble, my entirety seems innocent compared to you. I prayed to a God I don’t believe in and he told me to trust you. I handed to you the only bits I have left of myself, scraped up off the ground amongst the ruins of my last disaster. Please hold onto me, I’m afraid if you were to loosen your grip the breeze might lift away my integrity, or my determination would slip between your fingers. You could find my kindness hidden underneath your fingernails and I watch you effortlessly protect everything that I am. I watch you walk around not even realizing that without you I just might collapse. That you would take everything I have left with you, you are my everything. I have completely given myself to you, hold my pieces gently.

Please don’t hurt me.

[whatever]

1. I hang 2 grey jackets on the hook on my wall because it looks aesthetically pleasing.
2. I over draw one side of my top lip when I put on lipstick because I’m pretty sure that side is a bit smaller than the other.
3. When I cut myself it was always in perfect rows.
4. I go to sleep instead of taking my dishes downstairs because I can’t stand to look at the mess but I can’t stand to clean it either.
5. I get distracted in class because I spend 22 minutes thinking about how thirsty I am, but that my fingers look odd holding a water bottle so I can’t take a drink and I end up missing a whole lesson.

6. When my psychiatrist asked me if I think I have OCD I said no, he said that was interesting.

[whatever]

I always imagined I’d grow up and settle for someone nice I met at university. Even if they didn’t make my chest burn, as long as they made money and were good in bed I would be satisfied. They probably wouldn’t have the same parenting style as me so we would fight and maybe they would like clutter because it felt homey when I like clean because of my anxiety. I thought a nice wedding for my family and a couple of kids would make me feel like I did something right. But Jesus fuck am I glad I found you before I settled for that. Because you, you make my entire being float inside of my body. Because we do have different parenting styles but it’s okay because you can take the kids out for ice cream past bedtime and I’ll make them do homework. And you’re going to make messes but I get anxious when I don’t have something to clean anyway. Because whether it’s a big Spanish wedding for your family or a courthouse wedding just for us, I wouldn’t care I just I want to call you my wife. Because I never would have felt this warm happiness in my fingertips if I hadn’t found you.

You have no idea how happy I am that I found you first.

[whatever]

I crave human interaction any sort of contact please just brush up against me bump my hand with yours play with my hair wipe an eyelash off of my cheek anything. Anything. Please. I need to know that I’m real and I’m coexisting in this room the same as you I need to be reminded that I’m not a part of the background image that I am breathing the same air and occupying the same space as everyone else. Please just remind me that I’m good enough to be acknowledged because I will forget please I lose my breath when I feel pretend

[whatever]

If I could express in words how my mind fumbles when I look at you I would. If I could tell you with my voice that when I see you I see the rest of my life I would. But when I try to make you know how much I love you it comes out repetitively, simply, average. I could tell you a thousand times between breaths that I’m in love with your touch but I still don’t believe that you would understand. I don’t believe you could understand that I see you in everything I do. I see you when I’m putting away my laundry, in our future home helping me fold towels while we talk about our day. I see you when I’m doing my school work, sitting at the kitchen table helping our future son with his homework. I see you while I prepare a meal, cooking dinner with me for our family. I see you everywhere. In everything I do for the rest of my life and if I could tell you that when I kiss you it’s the only time that my mind goes still I would but I don’t think I could ever assemble such a string of words.

You are my forever

[whatever]

1. Perhaps before I met you, my favorite color of eyes were green. But I can’t begin to explain the butterflies that flutter about in the pit of my stomach when I stare into your dark brown ones.
2. Before I met you, the date May 9th 2015 meant absolutely nothing to me. How could I have known that this would soon become the most important day of my life.
3. And I think that before I met you, long distance relationships were out of the question. But how could I decide not to be with the love of my life simply because of a mere 3000 miles between us.

I think that meeting you was the best thing that has ever happened to me. I love you.

[whatever]

1. If you told me you’d stay if I ran away with you I would do it. I would drop everything if you promised me forever.
2. If I had to stay up all night to hear your voice for 5 minutes I would do it. I would fall asleep 4 times at school the next day if you told me you loved me the way you do with that cute little giggle.
3. If I have to cry myself to sleep every night for the next year to be in your arms for a few days I will do it. I don’t care how much it hurts if I get to be with you in the end.

I am so in love with you, I would do anything you asked me to.

[whatever]

And if you have to crack her ribs to get to her heart just remember that broken bones heal and broken promises don’t.